What if my ex won’t communicate with me?
Following separation there are often important decisions that require discussion or action. These may include:
- parenting arrangements and decisions about children
- property settlement and the division of assets and liabilities
- financial disclosure and outstanding financial information
- child support and expenses for children
- practical arrangements, including the transfer or sale of property.
A former partner who avoids communicating with you can add to an already difficult situation. Being met with silence when you're trying to undertake informal negotiations or resolve a disagreement can be maddening. It can leave you feeling uncertain and stuck.
So, what can you do if your attempts to communicate with your ex aren't working? Fortunately, things do not have to remain at a standstill. As we explain below, there are practical steps you can take to encourage communication with your ex and, if necessary, legal options available to achieve closure.
Start with practical communication strategies
If family violence (including coercive control), intimidation or power imbalances exist is involved in your situation, your safety and the safety of your children should always come first. Get professional advice or speak with 1800 RESPECT to undertake a risk assessment before having direct communications with an ex. There may also be formal constraints which prevent you from having direct contact with an ex, such as Family Violence Orders (also known as protection orders or Intervention Orders). You should seek advice about appropriate ways to address legal matters with your ex-spouse if this applies.
Some simple tips and options outlined below might break through the lack of engagement from an ex-spouse, provided it is safe for both parties and appropriate to your situation. For example:
Know your audience
It is very common for parties to be at different stages of grief emotionally after a break-up. At other times of conflict, individual reactions to disagreement can vary widely. Some people need space and time before discussing things, while others feel a sense of relief while talking things through. Think about how your ex-spouse responded to conflict during your relationship. Let this guide your expectations and approach to direct communications with them. Do not pressure, threaten or harass as this can quickly escalate things.
Manage your expectations – and keep your cool!
Ensure that your communications have a purpose – keep them constructive and avoid commentary, criticisms or provocative language. This is easier said than done! It can be challenging opening up a dialogue, so tread gently when emotions are running high. Avoid rapid-fire back and forth messaging which can quickly descend even if you set out with careful intention to avoid that. Give yourself and your spouse time to pause, breathe and provide a considered response. Not everything is time critical, so assess the true need for an immediate reply to keep your patience in check. Endeavour to respect reasonable boundaries preferred by your ex-spouse when communicating with them, such as avoiding conversations during changeovers of your children.
Communicate in writing
Email or text messages can help keep communication clear, structured and focused. Written communication also creates a record of requests, responses and any proposals made.
Keep messages brief, on-topic, respectful and practical. Unless the situation is genuinely urgent, avoid sending repeated follow-ups while you wait for a reply, particularly if doing so is likely to escalate conflict. Allow the other person time to digest your message, consider it, and get advice on it as necessary.
Co-parenting apps can be a useful tool to aid communications between separated parents. As well as keeping a clear, organised record of discussions, some offer 'tone' monitors to help parties keep their conversations measured and productive.
Consider an appropriate third party
In some circumstances, a trusted mutual friend or family member may help facilitate a conversation. However, this should only be considered where it is safe, appropriate and acceptable to both parties. Unforeseen difficulties may arise when well-meaning friends and family are placed in the middle of a disagreement.
Consider counselling or dispute resolution
If both parties are willing to participate and it is safe to do so, counselling may help address communication difficulties. Counselling may also help in navigating the emotional aspects of separation and, where children are involved, keep discussions focused on arrangements that promote their best interests.
Family dispute resolution, including mediation, may also provide a structured environment to discuss and agree upon parenting or property matters with your former spouse. You can attend mediation with or without lawyers. If both parties are represented, other forms of dispute resolution which are possible include 4-way conferences between the parties and their lawyers, or a collaborative law process.
Know when to seek formal assistance
These options are not appropriate in every situation. Where there is a safety issue including family violence, child abuse or neglect, seek advice about safer alternatives before attempting direct communication or joint meetings.
In other cases where safety is not a concern, there may still be urgent or time sensitive issues that need to be given priority. For example: concerns about the existing care arrangements for the children, being prevented from seeing or communicating with your children, where you are cut-off financially and are not able to support yourself or children or where assets are being disposed of or wasted by the other person. This is not an exhaustive list. Not seeking formal assistance in such situations may leave you legally vulnerable – so get advice early to protect your legal position.
How can a family lawyer help?
When one person refuses to engage in working through family law issues, you may need legal assistance to progress things. Delays may increase uncertainty, prolong conflict and add to legal costs.
You do not need your former partner’s cooperation to get legal advice. Any advice you do obtain is confidential and only disclosed to your ex-spouse with your consent.
A family lawyer can explain your options and the pathways to move things forward, as well as the legal outcomes and timeframes you can expect. They can help you develop a legal strategy to determine the most appropriate next steps towards closure.
Depending on your circumstances, this may begin with them writing to your ex and encouraging meaningful engagement. It does not necessarily mean that you are headed to Court.
What if you already have parenting arrangements or Court Orders?
Communication difficulties can continue long after separation, including where parenting arrangements have already been agreed or Court Orders have been made about children.
The appropriate response depends on the arrangements in place and the nature of the problem. If your former partner is not responding to messages about the children, repeatedly fails to provide important information or does not comply with existing arrangements, seek legal advice about your options.
Where there are concerns about immediate safety or family violence, seek appropriate legal advice rather than relying on ordinary communication strategies.
You still have options if your ex won’t communicate
When important decisions about your children, finances or future need to be made, being ignored by a former partner can leave you feeling powerless. You do not have to wait indefinitely for them to engage.
Depending on your circumstances, the next step may be written communication, lawyer-assisted correspondence, dispute resolution, a formal notice or Court proceedings.
If family violence, intimidation or coercive control is involved, your safety and the safety of your children should come first. The usual steps for encouraging communication may not be appropriate, and you can seek advice about safer ways to address the legal issues.
At Parker Coles Curtis, we understand that separation can be challenging, especially when communication breaks down. Our family lawyers can help you understand your rights and obligations, explore your options and determine a practical way forward.
If your former partner will not communicate, contact us to see how we can support you.