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Narcissism and relationships

Harmful or abusive relationships do not necessarily begin with obvious cruelty. In fact, it may be quite the opposite. Intense, early affection and concern may be interpreted as them being besotted and devoted. Over time, this intensity may transition to manipulation, coercion and intrude upon personal liberties. What may have seemed wonderful and perfect at first may become suffocating or controlling.

Research into family and domestic violence has given us a language to describe harmful patterns of behaviour in intimate relationships: gaslighting, love bombing, coercive control and narcissistic behaviour.

That language can be helpful to aid understanding of harmful relationship dynamics, to begin a conversation or take steps to leave an abusive situation.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a clinically recognised mental health disorder characterised by a persistent pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others.

NPD is considered relatively uncommon, although estimates of its prevalence vary. Healthdirect Australia estimates that it affects approximately 1% to 6% of the population. Research also suggests that it is diagnosed more frequently in men than in women. NPD can affect many aspects of a person's life, including their social and romantic relationships, and their ability to function at work and in other settings.

It is important to distinguish a clinical diagnosis of NPD from narcissistic traits or behaviours. A person may display narcissistic behaviours without meeting the criteria for a personality disorder. Only a qualified mental health professional can assess whether someone meets the diagnostic criteria for NPD.

Common narcissistic traits and behaviours

Narcissistic traits and behaviours may include:

  • Inflated self-importance: exaggerating their abilities or achievements. Shifting focus back to themselves.
  • Self-focus: repeatedly bringing discussions back to themselves and expecting emotional support without reciprocating it.
  • Criticising others: putting people down to elevate themselves.
  • Sensitivity to criticism: reacting strongly to questions or feedback, deflecting blame away onto others.
  • Double standards: expecting others to follow rules they themselves disregard.
  • Seeking recognition: needing repeated praise and acknowledgement.
  • Entitlement: expecting rewards or accommodation without equivalent effort.
  • Manipulation: using others to achieve their own ends.

You do not need to determine whether your partner is a narcissist before taking harmful behaviour seriously. The below questions may be helpful in determining whether the relationship is healthy:

  • Can I say “no” without being punished, pressured or belittled?
  • When I explain that something hurt me, is there curiosity and accountability?
  • Is support mutual, or am I usually the one giving?
  • Do apologies lead to lasting changes?
  • Do I feel free to disagree and have needs of my own?
  • Am I increasingly editing myself to keep the peace?
  • Are you afraid of their reactions?
  • Can you make decisions without intimidation or punishment?
  • Can you access money and maintain independent relationships with other people?
  • How has the behaviour affected you and your children?

Coercive control can involve subtle, repeated behaviours that create fear and reduce freedom and independence. Apologies and renewed affection can draw someone back into an abusive relationship, particularly when they revive hope that the behaviour will stop.

Repeated manipulation can erode confidence and make it harder to recognise abuse or seek help. 1800RESPECT notes that people experiencing coercive control may feel trapped, isolated and unsure of their own experiences.

The Family Law Act 1975 recognises that family violence captures behaviour that coerces or controls a family member or causes them to be fearful. You do not need to have experienced physical violence to consider ending the relationship, or to raise concerns with a family lawyer or a domestic violence support service.

Tell your lawyer about safety concerns early, including concerns about leaving the relationship, attending court or communicating with your former partner. Your conversations with your lawyer are entirely confidential and are not disclosed to anyone, including your partner/former partner, without your permission.

At Parker Coles Curtis, we can help you understand your options in a non-judgmental and trauma-informed way. We will empower you to take back agency over your life and you’ll be backed with our advice, advocacy and representation every step of the way. Whether you need support with safety planning to leave an abusive relationship for you and any children involved, to work out parenting arrangements for children after separation, child support, dividing property and assets or arrangements for pets – let us guide you to a new beginning.

For domestic, family or sexual violence support, contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or text 0458 737 732. If you are in immediate danger, call 000.

This article provides general information only and is not legal advice about your individual circumstances.